Tag Archives: high

Use Me

“Yes, but I think I enjoy being used.”

You know you’re being used. You’re being chewed up and eventually it’s going to burn and crash. The audible exemplification of cold reality. His words fit.

She knew. She knew, and she didn’t care.

Use me.

Use me as your receptacle for your aches and pains, leave your insecurities at my feet, find refuge in my attentions and affections. Let me love you for everything that you are, for your imperfections and pieces of you that you never let people see. Use my love until you find no more use for it. Until someone else fills the void in your soul better. Until you are bored with me. Until you have a newer and shinier plaything. Better yet, mix and match me with your other favorite playthings. I am yours alone until you will not have me.

Then, throw me away.

Why do I find comfort in this paradigm, she wondered.

Perhaps the answer lies in the security of knowing. Knowing that eventually things will end. The tumultuous waiting game; the mind bending torture of waiting for the floor to fall away beneath your feet be damned.

That moment. 

In the meantime one can take comfort in knowing an exact purpose: to be used. Security in simplicity. Serenity in certainty.

Use me.

It is easier to give love when you know precisely what one plans to do with it upon receipt. It is easier to give love when you explicitly understand that you will get nothing out of it. It is easier to give love when you know to distrust whatever is given back in return – it is a farce, a laughable attempt to shield you from the truth. It is easier to give love when you know there is nothing particularly special about your love.

She didn’t trust anyone who could pretend otherwise, as though anyone would ever plan to stay.

Because there is no question of future.

It is all inevitable. It is just a matter of time. The floor disappears. The walls melt away. You feel your stomach knotting and the world spins around you in darkness.

Until suddenly, someone new takes your hand. They need you. The spinning stops. The world begins to make sense again as you begin to invest yourself once more.

You put your head down and rebuild the walls, fixing a shelter. You find your footing as you lead them to their next path.

And you wait.

Because that moment is just one whim away.

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For The Experience

“No one really knows what happiness is.”

Her t-shirt pulled over her head in the bathroom stall in one trained motion, easily navigating awkward corners that would normally prove difficult to avoid in such a restrictive space.

She stared at the overnight bag hanging on the hook. Inside was everything one might need for a morning after a night spent in a strange place. A change of clothes, deodorant, toothbrush and toothpaste.

A light flickered, reflecting the wavering thoughts that raced around her head.

She couldn’t pin down the exact moment that the knot in her stomach from yesterday turned into this brewing storm of mental ambiguity.

You and I, we are so opposite.

The words from last night’s conversation lingered in the air, almost palpable.

She couldn’t remember what had brought about the observation, but something about it didn’t quite taste right. The truth lay in their general outlooks on life and the human race more than anything else.

Every human is fallible. Every single person has a background, a story, a series of events – often wildly out of their control – that has brought them to be who they are today. No matter in what degrees nature or nurture may have shaped them, they are who they are due to a fine mix of history and character.

She hooked her bra together, adjusting it to fit.

Everything should fit. That’s what life is, finding the right fit for the right time in the right places.

Finding happiness.

Are you happy? It doesn’t seem like it.

More conversation that had followed her out the door. Her happiness had historically been found in many places. In the arms of a lover, in the joys of a new project, in the company of good friends. Lately, her happiness seemed inscrutable.

She was here for the party, as they say.

The experience of something new and interesting, the thrill of the unknown. The excitement that builds as you work your way towards the top of the first drop on a roller coaster. The moment of suspension before the descent.

Where the descent would take her next was less important. It was the apex of the mountain, the climax that concerned her most. The breathless moment of being in the now.

Living outside of boundaries. Forgetting comfort zones. Toeing for the edge, watching the gravel fly into the abyss below. Seeking constant change.

Chancing whether or not one can fly.

She was here for these experiences. The happiness found in the high of discovery.

There are different flavors of happiness. This was the happiness she craved for today.